just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
