She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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