Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
