woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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