my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
