I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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