You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
tell me about the fingering
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