Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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