why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
