I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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