Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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