i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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