He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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