I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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