I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
