obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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