Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
