Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I would ride that face into the sunset
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
