Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why did my mother make you get naked?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize