what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
