My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
