nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
