Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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