We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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