it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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