he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
