I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
