I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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