She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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