Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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