If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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