You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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