legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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