i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
