i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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