I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
