god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you mean i was at the winter classic?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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