Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
