throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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