I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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