Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
