You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
