I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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