She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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