Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
