You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
