I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
