I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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