so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
