I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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