My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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